It sounds contradictory, but for many people, this emotional paradox is a reality, especially when it comes to their relationship with a parent. You might deeply care about your parent, but at the same time, feel waves of frustration, anger, or disappointment toward them. These conflicting emotions can be difficult to navigate and are often wrapped in layers of guilt, societal expectation, and fear of judgment.
As a psychologist, I often hear clients struggle with this complex emotional dance, wondering if it’s normal or even acceptable to love a parent yet harbor deep feelings of dislike for aspects of who they are or how they behave. The truth is, these conflicting emotions are not only common—they’re a natural part of human relationships, especially those as intimate and long-standing as the bond between parent and child.
At first glance, the idea of both loving and disliking a parent might seem contradictory.
How can we feel two seemingly opposite emotions at the same time? To understand this dynamic, we can look at attachment theory, which suggests that our primary relationships—especially those with our caregivers—create strong emotional bonds that shape our capacity for love and connection throughout life.
In these relationships, children develop deep attachments, but they can also develop resentment or frustration when their emotional needs are not met consistently or when they perceive their parents’ behavior as hurtful. This emotional complexity is normal, and it speaks to the very human capacity to feel a wide spectrum of emotions, even within our closest relationships.
But how come we hold back on these emotions?
1. Guilt and the “Good Child” Complex
From a young age, many are conditioned to believe that expressing negative feelings toward a parent is ungrateful or disrespectful. This is rooted in what we might call the “good child” complex— the internalized belief that a good child should love, respect, and obey their parents unconditionally. When our actions or beliefs don’t align with our deeply held values, it creates discomfort, known as cognitive dissonance. Feeling anger or dislike toward a parent can create this dissonance, as it clashes with societal ideals of family loyalty.
2. Fear of Judgment
Beyond internal guilt, there is the external pressure of how others might perceive us. Society often holds family as a sacred institution, and admitting that you don’t always like your parent can lead to fear of judgment. People may worry about being seen as ungrateful, cold, or even “bad” for expressing these emotions. This fear can drive individuals to repress their feelings and avoid necessary conversations that could improve the relationship.
3. Cultural and Familial Expectations
In many cultures, parents are revered, and the idea of openly criticizing or confronting them can feel impossible. In families where cultural norms emphasize respect and obedience to authority, children may feel even greater pressure to suppress their feelings. The weight of these expectations can make it incredibly difficult to acknowledge, let alone express, negative emotions toward one’s parents.
Does this suppression have any impacts?
While it’s understandable why many people choose to hold back their true feelings, there are real emotional costs to suppressing negative emotions. When these feelings go unacknowledged, they don’t simply disappear—they tend to manifest in other ways. Research in emotional regulation shows that suppressed emotions can contribute to mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and even physical stress-related symptoms. (Gross, 2002). Suppressing anger or frustration can also lead to passive-aggressive behavior or sudden emotional outbursts, both of which can damage the parent-child relationship in the long run.
Moreover, avoiding these emotions often prevents individuals from setting healthy boundaries with their parents. Without honest communication, patterns of behavior that cause harm may continue unaddressed, leading to a cycle of resentment.
The good news is that it’s entirely possible to love your parent while also addressing the difficult emotions that arise in your relationship. By doing so, you create opportunities for growth, both personally and within the relationship itself. Some things that you can do is recognizing and acknowledging your emotions, communicate openly and compassionately with your parents, setting healthy boundaries, seeking professional support either in the form of family therapy or individual therapy.
Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to accept everything about them without question. Healthy relationships—parental or otherwise—are built on a foundation of emotional honesty, healthy boundaries, and mutual respect.
If you’ve been struggling with these complex feelings, know that you’re not alone. It’s possible to hold space for both love and dislike, and in doing so, find a path toward a more balanced and emotionally fulfilling relationship.
If you’re struggling to navigate these feelings on your own, talking to a professional can be incredibly helpful. Therapy offers a space to explore these emotions without fear of judgment.
References:
- Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume I. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
- Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford University Press.
- Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281-291.
- Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Puddle Dancer Press.
The Comfort Couch 
Leave a comment